


Flawed Imperfections

by theuncertainauthor



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: But we still love him, Connor dances, Connor is a gay boi, Connor is getting help, Connor speaks French, Evan is a singer, Evan speaks Spanish, F/M, Gay, Jared is a painter, Jared is the prettiest boi, Jared speaks German, Jared wears eyeliner, M/M, Multi, evan is a little shit, insecure jared, like mega gay, sincerely three
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-05-21 16:03:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14918490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theuncertainauthor/pseuds/theuncertainauthor
Summary: everything changed on connor's eighteenth birthday. he accepted he was gay. he accepted his tattoos. he started to dance again. from that day forward, his life changed forever.





	1. typewriters and trees

**Author's Note:**

> my first actual story! nothing is capitalized for a reason. if you're curious about the name, read chapter 12 of my one-shot story. i'm not explaining it again. i hope you enjoy!  
> (also i messed around with the skins, rip)

"goodbye, fuckers!" connor yelled as he slammed the front door behind him, carrying a suitcase with everything important he owned. a huge grin spread across his face as he started in his car and drove away. he would never have to see them again! but, first things first. connor needed to get away. he pulled the car to the side of the road and pulled out his phone. he needed to find a quiet town where nobody would know him, where he would be a newcomer and nothing else. he researched for a good twenty minutes before he found his town. it was cold and barely populated. connor loved it already. he pulled his car back onto the road and started driving.

after an entire day of driving, connor had finally reached his town. as he drove through, he fell in love with it even more. little shops were lined up on the side of the road, quaint little cafés were scattered across the corners, people walked along the sidewalks and waved at him as he came by. connor felt an overwhelming sense of relief. he could be himself here. he pulled up to a hotel, grabbed his bag, and strolled in. the lady at the counter looked up and smiled. "hello! welcome to our humble little town! would you like a room?" she asked. connor nodded. he paid and she gave him a room key. once he got to his room, he allowed himself to smile. he dropped his bag and rushed to the window. it overlooked the streets and connor had never felt more at peace. as he scanned the street, something caught his eye. it was an art studio! he turned on his heel and rushed out of the door. once he got to the studio, his heart leapt. they catered to all kinds of art; singing, painting, and dancing. connor opened the door to see a sweet old lady sitting behind the desk. "well hello there," she said, walking around the front desk to take his hand. "i'm glad you decided to come visit, sweetie." she looked him up and down and smiled in delight. "oh, you dance, don't you?" she asked, laughing when he nodded and bit his lip. "wonderful! i haven't had a dancer in so long," she sighed dreamily. "so what brings you so far out here, honey?" she asked, going to sit behind the desk again. "well, i just turned eighteen, and i wanted to find a small town to settle down in. i drove all day and found myself here," he explained, nervously chewing on his lip again. "delightful. just wonderful. would you like to see the studio?" she asked. "yes, ma'am," he responded politely. "oh, don't be silly. call me sarah, please," she laughed. "okay. i-i'm connor. connor murphy." he paused. "wait, how did you know i was a dancer?" he asked, following her to the back of the studio. "the way you hold yourself and the way you walk. you have amazing posture and your walk is just so graceful, dear. here we are!" she opened the door to reveal a mirrored room with polished wooden floors. connor's eyes widened. "it's beautiful," he breathed, then turned to her. "what do i pay?" he asked. she looked up at him and laughed again. "i don't charge first time visitors. however, you do have to have a membership to come back, but that's only seven dollars a month," she told him. "i'd like to buy a membership, please," he said. she started walking towards the front desk and he followed. as she was getting everything ready, he asked her a question. "who else comes here?" she giggled. "oh, only two other talented young men. evan hansen comes here occasionally to sing, and jared kleinman comes every other day to paint. evan sings like an angel, but he gets so embarrassed. jared...now, mister jared kleinman is a different case. it's not my place to talk about him," she said, frowning at her papers. connor decided to test the waters and take a shot in the dark. "i understand." her eyes flitted up to him and he drily laughed. "i mean, i think i know and understand his reason. it's part of why i stopped dancing." her eyes flashed and she rested her hands on top of his. "now, you listen here, connor murphy. this town doesn't care who you love, just if you're a good person or not. you could love that tree outside, and no one would care too much. now, you might get a couple weird looks if you love that tree, but we'll all still accept you." he nodded and she relaxed. "i only wish jared would understand that. i love him like a son, so i won't push him, but i still wish he would know that." connor hesitated. "when does he come? m-maybe i could talk to him," he suggested. fear flashed across her face and he quickly continued. "i mean, i won't say anything that we talked about, but i need friends. i didn't have any back where i came from, and i'm hoping to start over here. maybe you could show him to me while i'm dancing or something?" connor rushed out. her face broke into a smile. "oh, dear, that would be _wonderful_! i would be honored to see you dance as well," she exclaimed, then winked. he smiled as she finished up getting his membership. "well, you better hurry, darling. dancing outfits are in the closet in the room. jared gets here at exactly two-thirty every other afternoon. it's two-twenty-three." she shooed him away, and he gave her a greatful smile before walking to the dance room.

tchaikovsky was a good choice. he inserted the cd and checked the time. two-twenty-eight. the song started and he panicked as he realized he didn't have choreography planned. oh well. improvising came easy to him anyway. he started to dance, letting the music control the flow on his body. he ignored it when the opened halfway through the song. he finished facing the door, and he opened his eyes, chest rising. sarah was standing by the door, smiling and giving him a thumbs up. that's when his eyes landed on the boy beside her. connor's breath was immediately stolen by the boy standing in front of him. his chocolate-brown hair was adorably sticking up in every direction, his glasses were a bit crooked on his nose, and his mouth was forming a small "o". his cheeks were dusted with pink and his eyes. half of one of his eyes was a light blue, while the rest was a luminant brown. his fashion sense was dreadful, but connor still thought it was utterly adorable. "th-" jared cleared his throat. "that was pretty good." he praised, averting his eyes from connor's. connor crossed the room in two long strides until he was standing in front of jared. "thank you. dancing happens to be a hobby of mine. i'm connor murphy," he said, sticking his hand out to jared. jared glanced at it before hesitantly taking it. "jared kleinman," he mumbled. his hand was warm and fit perfectly in connor's. connor never wanted to let go, but he did before it became awkward. "well, i hope to see you around, jared kleinman," he said with a smile as he watched jared nod and leave. sarah came back to him, a huge grin on her face. "you like him!" she exclaimed. "wh-what? n-no, i do-don't," connor spluttered. "you're blushing," she said, smiling wickedly as the realization spread across his face. and then she suddenly got serious. "do you think he's your soulmate?" she asked. his eyes widened. "i don't know! i don't even know him!" he rushed. it was impossible to deny that the thought did flutter by. his tattoos weren't too descriptive. a tree and a typewriter? who the hell has a thing for trees and typewriters? he thanked her for letting him come, headed back to his hotel, and cleaned up. he flopped on the bed, a thousand different thoughts bouncing off of his skull. maybe he didn't really have a soulmate. maybe it was all just some elaborate prank played by whatever god was out there. who could love connor murphy, especially with all the shit he's been through and done? but one thought was the most prominent: who the _fuck_ likes typewriters and trees?


	2. insecurities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jared is insecure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> could be triggering? idk if you're sensitive or not so small tw just in case? self hate

jared was insecure. he was insecure about his glasses, his hair, his eyes, his clothes, the little bit of chub he has, and his hands. he tried his best to be less self conscious, but it was hard. it was hard when he looked in the mirror every day and saw the glasses that always sat slightly crooked on his nose, his hair that wouldn't stay down properly, half of eye that was a different colour, his fat that he hated and couldn't lose no matter how much he tried, his hands that were always streaked in paint. because of this, he rarely got out. sure, he went to the art studio, but he was comfortable around sarah. he knew someone else went there occasionally, but he had never seen him. he had only heard him sing every once in a while. so when sarah brought him to see someone new, he got very self conscious. jared was afraid of being judged, so he hated meeting people. but when sarah opened the door, something told him it'd be okay. he was surprised, too. it was a boy with the most fluid and beautiful movements jared had ever seen anyone have. he was dancing to a piano piece, and he was doing it well. the boy's hair was tied up into a loose bun, and his face was gorgeous. defined jaw and cheekbones, perfectly shaped eyebrows, and lips that jared just wanted to kiss. he didn't realize he was staring until the piece had ended. "th-" god, his voice was awful. he cleared his throat and tried again. "that was pretty good." he looked away, unable to continue looking in fear that he wouldn't be able to stop. the boy crossed the room and stood in front of jared. the boy chuckled softly, and jared felt his breath hitch when he spoke. "thank you. dancing happens to be a hobby of mind. i'm connor murphy," the boy said, extending his hand out. his voice was a soft tenor; something jared never wanted to stop listening to. jared looked at connor's hand and debated whether or not to take it before deciding it'd be better if he did. "jared kleinman." he mumbled awkwardly as he shook his hand a couple of times before letting go. connor's hand was soft, and jared resisted the strange urge to run his thumb along the back of connor's hand. "well, i hope to see you around, jared kleinman," connor said, smiling. jared felt his knees go weak and he couldn't do much more than nod and leave. he made a b-line for his room in the studio. he closed the door behind him and breathed in the toxic smell of the paint he loved. he quickly set everything up and got to work.

 

jared hadn't expected this. yeah, he did let his mind wander while painting, but how did letting his mind check out result in him spending two and half hours on a painting of connor? connor, of all things. jared didn't even know him. he absent-mindedly scratched his tattoos on his left forearm. he hadn't seen connor's tattoos, if he had any. jared had two. he didn't know if he had two soulmates or if it was two things his soulmate loved, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to know. if he knew, then other people would know, and he didn't want or need anyone other than sarah and himself knowing he liked boys, that he was gay. sarah had told him time and time again that the people in the town would accept him, but he refused to believe her. or, rather he believed her but didn't want to test it. he wasn't sure which one it was. his soulmate/soulmates were probably male, he knew that much. but his tattoos were so odd. a tree and a pair of ballet shoes. who likes trees and ballet? it was such on odd combination; jared couldn't really get his head around it. he refocused his thoughts back on his painting of connor. it wasn't too bad. the painting really brought out his eyes and his defined cheekbones and his slightly flushed cheeks. jared remembered the flash of surprise and comfort he had felt when he had first seen connor's eyes. crystal blue with a spot of chocolate brown in one eye. he had met someone else with heterochromia, but he was hoping connor hadn't noticed his. to him, it was just another one of his flaws. on connor, it was beautiful, unique. on jared, it was just another mistake. he decided to put the painting in the corner of the room and leave it there amongst his others. part of him wanted connor to walk in, to see it and to praise him for it, but most of him hoped connor stuck to his portion of the studio. sarah would see it, no doubt, but that was okay. she probably saw how jared's heart jumped when he first laid eyes on connor. he glanced at the painting one last time before walking out of the studio. he could hear soft piano drifting throughout the studio, seeping into jared's skin like the sun on a perfectly warm day. he stood and listened to it for a little bit before turning on his heel and walking out of the studio back towards his small apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp i should be sleeping but oh well
> 
> also jared has a praise kink? maybe?


	3. september

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared had a dream, so he wrote a poem to help clear his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting another chapter tonight
> 
> Wrote this on something else; copied and pasted; don't have enough time to change it

it's a cold, cloudy day.  
the wind nips  
as i walk through town,  
rustling the layers of clothing at my hips.

shifting the bags in my hand,  
i reach for my keys.  
i hear my boots hit the floor,  
and i can't help but imagine the leaves.

the leaves are outside;  
brown and red and gold,  
despite all odds,  
beautiful in the cold.

i open the door,  
and he turns around.  
he smiles brightly,  
and manages to turn my frown upside down.

he comes over and gives me a kiss,  
making me melt into his embrace.  
the other runs out,  
making me smile, as if it were a race.

he wraps me in a hug  
and i laugh,  
kissing him on the forehead  
and wanting this moment to last.

oh, how i missed this, i whisper.  
the only response i get is are smiles,  
and i grin.  
here, i'm no longer considered one of the exiles. 

dinner's ready, one calls  
the other says only if you are,  
and everything seems to be normal,  
but it's as if i'm stuck in tar.

i can't move.  
i see them start to disappear,  
and as i scream,  
i fall like a single tear.

i sit up,  
tears falling like the sky,  
and it's just confusing,  
no matter how hard i try.

who were they?  
i ask myself.  
maybe i knew them,  
like a toy long left on a shelf.

maybe they're my soulmates,  
but that can't be.  
how could i have two;  
both meant to love me?

i'm nothing special.  
i'm just a boy.  
a boy who loves to paint and write;  
nothing but god's toy.

but even so,  
i can't help but believe  
that maybe someday  
they'll come to me.

even if it they hate me too,  
at least i'll know  
whether or not  
they could set my heart aglow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed my poetry
> 
> Bonus points if you can tell me what rhyme scheme I used


	4. hell.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> all things go to hell.
> 
> tw!: bad thoughts, self hatred, minor suicide thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! sorry for the rushed chapter earlier; but i had family over and needed to get it done quickly. um...tell me if you didn't understand it; i can explain.

evan hansen was anxious. he was willingly going to a therapist to get better, and he was on new medicine that was actually working. his new therapist, dr. brewer, was pretty cool. he liked her a lot, and she was always super nice and acted like he was normal, not someone who needed to be fixed. he talked to his mom every night; they had grown super close ever since he left. she was the one who convinced him to go to the art studio and see what it was like. now, he went there every other day to sing. he even writes his own songs. he walked into the studio and smiled back at sarah. "hello, evan!" she sang. he laughed. "hi, sarah." she leaned forwards, her hazel eyes sparkling. "so, any new songs?" she asked. he opened his folder and slid out a sheet of paper. "uhm, one new song, a-actually. it's based off of a d-dream i had, uh, a wh-while ago," he told her. she scanned the lyrics and looked back up at him, grinning ear-to-ear. "this is amazing! i'm ready to listen if you're ready to sing!" she exclaimed. she and heidi were the only two people he was comfortable singing in front of. anyone else and he would clam up and get to nervous to even open his mouth. he stopped for a fraction of a second and wondered how this sweet woman in her 50s gained his trust so easily. "give me an hour to practice and then i'll be ready," he said, smiling wider when she nodded and blew him a kiss. he knew a little bit about her. she adopted a son with her wife nineteen years ago and he still lived in the town, she occasionally would draw and sing, she loved to play her guitar, she only ran this office once a week every month, she was a gynecologist, and she had two dogs and a cat. when she wasn't running the office, her son michael was. he had seen michael a lot, but they had never exchanged more than a few words. he did enjoy michael's presence though. he was laid back and had this relaxed vibe that made everyone else around him smile a bit. he was never without his headphones and he occasionally got high. evan sat in the studio and did his ridiculous warm ups before starting. "end of may or early june, this picture-perfect afternoon we share." he quickly got lost within the song and before he knew it, it was over. he fixed some lyrics, changed a new notes, and then he was ready. he left his room in the studio and went to find her. "sarah?" he called. he poked his head around the wall and his mind blanked. he saw the back of sarah's blonde head and the boy she was talking to. he was beautiful. there was really no other word for it. he was smiling, and it made evan's heart beat faster. pronounced cheekbones, angled eyebrows, chocolate brown hair falling loosely around his face. the boy started to walk towards evan, and evan ran. he booked it until he found the nearest room. he looked through the windows and saw that connor was walking into a different room, one labeled "dance". he danced. evan felt his face flush. "uh...can i...help you?" someone said. evan whirled around, face burning red. a boy stood there holding a paintbrush, his eyes wide behind his glasses. evan thought he was going to have a heart attack. he slumped the floor and willed his heart to chill the fuck out. the boy gently set his paintbrush down before going to evan, pushimg evan's hair out of his face. "h-hey, are y-you ok-kay?" he asked. evan felt his skin tingle where the boy had touched him. "i'm fine," evan wheezed. he didn't know what was happening. maybe everyone had a stroke at nineteen. evan felt his eyes try to close. "fuck--shit--uh--sarah!" the boy yelled. evan opened his eyes and saw sarah running as well as the door to the dance room fling open. "no," evan whispered. suddenly, the door to the room was open. "oh my god, is he okay? evan? evan, honey? what's wrong?" evan couldn't speak. he felt arms underneath him, and suddenly the boy was carrying him bridal style. "someone call 911!" sarah exclaimed. connor indicated that he was already calling them. "hello? yes, i have a--a friend who just--jared what happened?" jared. the boy carrying him was named jared. "jared?" evan mumbled. jared glanced down, surprised. "that's a pretty name," evan said, yawning. "t-thanks," jared said. "let's go. we'll go to my house," sarah said, grabbing her keys. she opened the door to her car and jared laid evan in the backseat, crawling in next to him. sarah quickly started the car, cold air blowing on the four of them. connor had jumped into the passenger seat, still talking. "yes. he just got red and collapsed." a pause. "ma'am, all due respect, but my friend just collapsed with no reason whatsoever. could you at least try to be of some help and do your job properly?" connor snapped. jared was absent-mindedly stroking evan's hair. he was about to take a breath when he looked down and saw evan's forearm. a typewriter and ballet shoes. jared choked on the breath he had halfway taken, coughing as his eyes started to water. "jared, you okay?" connor frantically asked. he had just hung up the call and was twisting around in the front seat to see what was wrong. jared gave him a thumbs up and took off his glasses to rub at his eyes. he then slid them back on and continued to stare at evan's tattoos. evan had seemed to have fallen asleep when they finally got to sarah's house. jared carried him in and laid him on the couch. paramedics appeared five minutes later and took evan. jared and connor were allowed to ride in the ambulance with evan. they sat in the waiting room while doctor's checked evan out. sarah showed up half an hour later with jared's sketchbook and pencil. "i had to close the studio," she explained, handing them to jared. "thank you," he said as he immediately flipped to a blank page and started to draw what was on his mind. a few minutes later, and he now had a typewriter and ballet shoes on his page. connor glanced at his page. "oh, that's cool. i have a tattoo like that," he said, pointing towards the typewriter. jared's breath hitched in his throat. "jare? you okay?" connor asked, using a new nickname for jared. he looked down at his page. he didn't trust his voice. he knew it'd come out high and squeaky if he tried. great. add that to the list of insecurities. instead he labeled the drawing. "evan's tattoos", he wrote. he saw connor's eyes widen. he then scribbled out a drawing of a tree and ballet shoes. "jared's tattoos", he labeled them. "may I?" connor asked. jared nodded and handed the pencil to him. connor slid the sketchbook from jared's lap to his. he quickly sketched a tree and a typewriter. "connor's tattoos", he wrote. jared stared at connor's handwriting. it was like his dancing. so fluid, so seemingly perfect. he looked up at connor. even when slouching, connor was taller than him. jared looked down at the sketches when realization hit him like a brick wall on the front of a speeding freight train. he scrambled to get out of the chair, almost tripping and falling as he booked it outside. connor was left with a sketchbook and a pencil, left with evidence of what jared ran away from. sarah sighed. "i'll be right back," she told connor, glancing at the sketchbook and smiling. connor didn't even register her question. he just sat there, staring at the sketches. "jared?" sarah called. jared was on a park bench, head in his hands. sarah sat down next to him. "jared, why did you run?" she asked, rubbing his back. he groaned. "i don't know! i'm waiting in the hospital for someone i don't know who turns out to maybe be my soulmate and then i'm sitting with connor and suddenly i'm sitting next to my soulmate! i didn't know what to say to connor. 'hey guess we're soulmates! wanna go out to dinner once our friend gets out of the hospital? oh yeah, we have to invite him because he's also our soulmate!" after all of that, jared was gasping for breath. "just go in the there and tell him what you think. if you want to try, tell him. if you don't want to date him, tell him."

"what about the other one?"

"evan. his name is evan."

"what about evan?"

"tell him when he wakes up. show him the sketchbook. explain what happened."

"okay," jared said. he stood and offered a hand to sarah. she took in and smiled. "wow! you're pretty strong! betcha evan will eat that up, huh?" she laughed. jared shook his head, insecurities rising again. when they walked into the waiting room, connor wasn't there. jared flipped the sketchbook to their page, and there was a note from connor. "tell evan i said hi when he wakes up." jared felt his heart drop. connor wasn't there. connor left. connor thought he didn't want to be his soulmate. connor was glad jared had left. connor never liked jared much anyways. jared's thoughts spiraled down and down until it reached the maximum low: i bet connor thinks you should just kill yourself. jared felt tears pricking at his eyes. he grabbed the sketchbook and ran. he ran until he got home, fumbling with his keys. it was like deja vu, except that this was real and everything was hell. all because of jared. he collapsed on his bed and curled up into a ball, fighting against the thoights that plagued his mind. but it was exhausting. eventually, he gave up. he let them overtake him, pulling him deeper and deeper into their depths until sleep overcame him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they live in a magical place where weed is legal and everyone is accepted bisexuals arent told to pick a side and pansexuals aren't asked if they like kitchenware and everyone is accepted and life is good.
> 
> man, if only a place like this actually existed.


	5. worrisome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a week later...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeet

they usually had dinner together once a week, and this one wasn't any different. "hey mom?" michael asked. sarah looked up from her food. "yeah, sweetie?" michael stabbed his fork into his lasagna. "what happened?" he asked. she looked up sharply. "i mean, jared hasn't shown up. the new one, connor, came once, but he didn't even look at me. evan has come twice, but he seemed upset. what happened?" sarah sighed and put down her fork. "jared and connor found out that they are soulmates with each other and evan. they both left before evan woke up, i bet that's why he was upset. his friends weren't there to make sure he was okay. i know connor is hurt, as well as jared. but jared is the most worrying. he's come in on some of his worst days, you've seen a couple. he's never missed a day because he loves coming. but if he hasn't shown up for a week..." her eyebrows furrowed in worry. michael set his hand on hers. "i can ask connor when he comes in next," he suggested. "maybe that would be nice. just please don't offer him weed, honey. i don't mind that you do it, but i don't want others doing it." michael straightened. "mom, it's legal! plus, it helps me calm down and open up, it might help him!" he protested. she sighed. "fine. just please don't get him addicted."

"hey, connor," michael said when he walked in. connor paused. "how do you know my name? where's sarah?" he asked aggressively. "woah, chill. sarah's my mom. she only works here once a week, otherwise she's at her office," michael explained. he could see the confusion on connor's face. "she's a gynecologist." connor flushed a bit. "i'm michael," he said. connor nodded. "you wanna hang out after i close? we can play video games, watch movies, or whatever," michael offered. connor shrugged. "sure, why not." michael smiled. "great. i'll see you after," michael said, putting his headphones over his ears and clicking the play button on his playlist. connor could hear bob marley softly playing from the headphones. connor smiled to himself and shook his head, and went to the dance room.

jared had barely slept since the soulmate incident. that's what he had taken to calling it. the soulmate incident. he groaned and pulled the covers down. why did he run again? he could have at least stayed for evan, who he carried. evan probably woke up thinking that no one cared because no one was there. jared sat up. he had succumbed to the voices in his head a few days ago, and ever since, he had been thinking about it. about the stuff they said. he had been debating whether or not it really would be better without him here. he eventually gave up on trying to convince himself of reasons why he shouldn't, and now he was staring at his wall. 'you're just a bother,' they whispered. 'look yourself. what goodcould anyone possibly see?' they muttered, disgusted. jared swung his legs over the side of the bed and ran a hand through his hair. he hadn't showered since the soulmate incident. gross. he quickly stripped, grabbed a towel, and hopped in the shower. he worked the soap through his hair and debated trying. he jumped a few times, but always landed safely on his feet. he mentally cursed at himself as he finished washing. he turned the water off before toweling himself dry and stepping into his most comfortable clothes. his favourite pair of boxers, his grey sweatpants, a soft, worn out shirt, and his red hoodie. it was a deep maroon, and it was too big, but jared loved it. he sat on his cough and turned the T.V. on, mindlessly watching whatever horrible news the world had to offer. eventually, he grew hungry, but he ignored it and checked his phone. he had a message from an unknown number. "hey, its evan," it read. jared felt his heart drop down to his feet. there was another message after. "why weren't you there? i mean, its fine, but it would have been nice to see you when i woke up." jared felt tears fill his eyes. he quickly rubbed them away before reading last one. it was sent yesterday. "jared? michael tells me you haven't been here in the past week but you normally come every day...did i do something wrong? i dont know if it was what i said, but it really is fine. i just...i want to see you. i want to thank you in person. we can arrange a time to meet, or i can try to see you at the studio...whatever works. just...tell me if youre okay. im worried about you. please respond soon." jared felt the tears spill over. how? how could evan be worried about him? he decided to type back a quick reply. "im fine. no need to waste your thoughts." he almost immediately got a response. well, quite a few.

"jared!"

"oh my god"

"i wasnt wasting my thoughts. i didnt have anything else to thing about and youre important. so..i thought about you. are you okay? why havent you shown up at the studio? is something wrong?" jared sighed. he just didn't give up, did he. "no, nothings wrong. everythings fine. dont worry." he sent. he just wished evan would stop. "where is your apartment?" evan asked. without thinking, jared sent him the address. he was so used to telling it to his mom that he didn't give it a second thought until it was sent. "wait, why?" he asked. he felt his stomach filling up with dread. "im coming over." those three words made jared's head spin. he didn't have the energy left to tell evan no. instead, he set hid phone down and raced to clean up. jared has always been a relatively clean person. everything smelled fresh and everything was in its place...normally. jared didn't do anything in the past week, so he had to rush to clean up. ten minutes later, and everything was decent. he heard a knock on the door and immediately shrunk back into himself. he opened the door just a bit. "hey, e-" he was cut off by evan launching himself at jared, tackling him in a hug. "jared! i was so worried and then you didn't respond until today and then you even sounded bad so i decided to come over, and--" evan was cut off by jared slowly pushing evan away. "jared?" evan asked, letting go of him. jared immediately took a step back and seemed to shrink into his hoodie and himself, making his naturally small stature look smaller. "j-jared?" evan repeated, concern and hurt dripping off of his words and mixing together like paint. "i-i'm fine. did you need s-something?" jared muttered. "i wanted to thank you. for carrying me to the car and in the house and helping me," evan said. jared nodded and went to go sit on the couch. evan stood near the arm of the sofa, unsure of what to do. jared held the sketchbook in his hands. he debated on whether or not to show evan the sketches before deciding against it. that secret would have to lay with jared, connor, and sarah only. jared put the sketchbook down. there was an awkward silence. "i saw some of the paintings you've done," evan said to break the silence. jared's face flushed with embarrassment and he nodded, willing evan to not speak. "i really liked all of them," evan continued. jared nodded again as if to say thank you. "i-i noticed you did one of c-connnor?" evan mentioned. he was so nervous it sounded like a question. jared's head snapped up and he opened his mouth to speak, but evan beat him to it. "it was beautiful," evan mumbled. jared's eyes widened. last time he had looked at the painting, disgust and dissatisfaction had welled up in his stomach. 'it's awful,' they hissed. 'you don't even know him, creep,' they mocked. and he had listened. he was about to throw it away when evan had barged in. "what?" jared asked, his emotions all tangled up and knotted and impossible to decipher. he tugged at all of the strings until a few came loose. those strings happened to be anger, embarrassment, pride, and guilt. guilt and anger happened to be most present. "you were looking through my stuff?!" jared yelled. he stood, hands balled into fists. evan backed up, his blue eyes large with fear. "n-no, it was in fr--" jared cut him off. "and then you bring up connor?! after what happened!!" jared was too confused to realize that evan didn't know what had happened. "jare--"

"get out! get! out!" jared screamed, trembling with rage, guilt, confusion, pain, and a million other things. evan turned on his heel and ran out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him. the moment evan started to turn around, jared let out a huge sob. he collapsed on the ground, curling into himself. half an hour later, and the sobs had died down enough to where jared could breathe. he stumbled to kitchen, got a drink, and downed it in one go. he pulled the hood up over his head before slipping into his shoes to head to the studio. he was going to get rid of that painting.

connor had just finished dancing. he did a few cool down excerises before changing. he heard doors opening and closing, but he just assumed michael was closing up. connor pulled his hair into a high ponytail, ignoring the strands that hung around his face and walked out. he was someone with a red hoodie walking towards the exit. "hey! michael! wait for me!" connor said. the person looked up at him and shrunk back. "jared?!"


	6. can you come over?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oops.

jared's eyes widened in what connor guessed was a mixture of fear, guilt, and hurt. the door swung shut behind them, closing them inside. connor opened his mouth to speak and jared visibly flinched. connor's mind whirled. was he afraid of what connor would say to him? connor raised his hand push jared's hood down so he could see him better, but jared gasped a bit and raised his arms to cover his head. when he felt no touch, he hesitantly opened his eyes. connor's arm had dropped down to his side, and his eyes--goddamn, his eyes. large doe eyes framed by thick lashes; shit. jared was gay for connor. jared slowly let down his arms before dropping his head in shame. he felt the tears fill his eyes and spill over, splashing onto his glasses. he tried his best to ignore how connor's eyes had widened when jared raised his arms, how dreadfully hurt connor looked.

jared thought connor would hit him. "jared. did you think i was going to hit you?" connor asked, already knowing the answer. jared sniffled before he barely moved his head in a single nod. connor felt his emotions overtake him like waves. he didn't know what to do. he was so close to flying into a blind rage, but his instincts took over. this was his soulmate, someone he was meant to protect. he stepped forwards and wrapped his arms around jared, pulling him close into a tight hug. "i would never hurt you," connor whispered.

jared let out a loud sob as he balled connor's shirt into his hands. he buried his face into connor's shoulder, sobbing. connor rubbed jared's back to calm him. "i j-just thought that after you l-left you were m-mad and didn't want to be s-seen with me," jared hiccupped. "oh, jared," connor crooned. "i was mad for a little bit, but then i was just worried and confused because i didn't know why you ran away. i would never not want to be seen with you. why would you think that?" connor asked. jared gave a small, dead chuckle. "because i'm _jared kleinman_ ," he mumbled. connor pulled back a little and looked at jared. "exactly. you're jared kleinman. why would i not want to be seen with you?" he asked. jared felt all of his walls break right then and there. "because i'm me! because i have all of these weird nervous tics--" he said, rolling up his sleeve to show connor faded red marks from when he had nervous scratched his arm earlier. "because my hair's stupid and i'm chubby and clumsy and gay and then you're perfect, i mean your hair is so pretty and your eyes are gorgeous and you're good at dancing a-and you're not anxiety ridden and insecure and--" connor shushed him. "jared, can i come over later?" he asked. jared looked at him with wide eyes. "i would ask now and explain my life since the eighth grade, but i promised michael i'd hang out with him after the studio closed," connor explained. jared nodded. "great. can i have your number?" connor asked. jared nodded and inputted his number into connor's phone.

just then, michael came rushing out. "shit--sorry connor. my mom's sick and my mom asked me to go to the store and get some stuff. can we hang out tomorrow?" michael rushed out, seeing the confused look on connor's face. "i've got two moms. mom and ina, filipino for mom," michael explained, looking for his keys. "uh, yeah, that's fine," connor said. "great! i'll, uh, see you tomorrow?" michael asked as the three of them walked outside and he locked the door. connor nodded as michael sprinted to his car. he waved before driving away.

jared turned to connor. "can you come now, or?" he trailed off. connor chuckled. "i can if you want me to. someone's eager to learn about me, aren't you?" jared blushed. "well, i mean, you're kind of this beautiful mystery, a-and you are my soulmate, so--" jared was cut off with another laugh from connor. "let's go, dork," connor chuckled. jared would have been upset at the name, but because it was connor, he knew it wasn't meant to hurt him. plus, how could he ever be mad at his soulmate?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 
> 
> FIVE JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWSSS!
> 
> also sorry this was so short i've just been really confused and in kind of a bad place ish i promise the next chapter will be better. or at least 'll try to make it...not trash


	7. connor...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fluff fluff fluff. connor tells jared his backstory. even more fluff.

connor climbed into jared's car, somehow fitting his long legs under the dash. "my apartment may be a bit of a mess, s-so i'm sorry," jared mumbled, shrinking into his hoodie. god, his wrists were itchy. "you say it like it's not always a mess," connor teased. "well, i-i normally like to keep everything really clean, but i haven't done much in the past week, so-" jared let out a nervous chuckle. connor furrowed his eyebrows. "what did you do in the past week?" connor asked. jared didn't respond. connor sighed. "look, jared, if i'm going to tell you about the worst time of my life, you're going to have to come clean," he said. jared coughed lightly. "i-i, um, i think i just...stared at my ceiling for majority of the week," jared mumbled. connor knew exactly what jared had been doing based on that sentence. "you haven't eaten, have you? and you didn't shower until today? you barely slept, too," connor said, staring out of the window. jared gave an almost audible gasp before he cleared his throat. "h-how..?" jared asked. "you'll learn."

jared unlocked the door, his hands shaking. he mentally chided himself before stepping in and gesturing for connor to follow. "so..uh...t-this is my apartment," jared mumbled, tucking his hands inside the sleeves of his hoodie. connor looked around before letting out a delighted chuckle, closing the door behind him. "it's actually just like i imagined," connor said, his eyes crinkling at the edges. that made jared almost melt into his hoodie, his face bright red. connor made his way to the kitchen. "where are your knives?" connor casually asked, poking his head around the corner. all of the colour had drained out of jared's face, and he had started to tremble. connor's eyes widened and he booked it around the corner to envelop jared in his hug. he pressed his nose into jared's hair, inhaling softly. pomegranate. "oh, jared, i would never try to hurt you," connor crooned. jared stood limply for a minute, and connor took the hint. he started to pull away when jared's arms wrapped around his midsection and pulled him tight against jared. the two stood like that, listening to each other breathe, before jared's stomach growled.

connor chuckled. "come on," he said, tugging jared to the kitchen. "i-uh-what?" jared asked. he squeaked when grabbed onto connor's shoulders when connor bent down and picked jared up to set him on the counter. connor giggled, then covered his mouth when jared's eyes widened. jared started to smile, then laugh. connor felt his face heat up at the sound of jared's laugh. it reminded him of bells. after jared had mostly calmed down from his laughing fit, he spoke. "that was adorable! i'm so glad you're my soulmate," he said, then registered what he had just said.

connor was looking at jared, his eyes the size of saucers. the two sat in a frozen silence, connor looking up at jared, who was sitting on the counter with his hand over his mouth and the other gripping the counter. "y-you mean that?" connor said, blushing furiously. jared slowly nodded. connor leaned foreard and took jared's hand off his mouth. "can i kiss you?" he mumbled. jared could feel his breath on his chin, and he hesitantly nodded. he closed his eyes as he felt connor's fingertips slowly traces his jaw before he leaned in.

their lips met, and jared felt frozen. he couldn't move. he wanted to, oh god, he wanted to connor to know he loved it. but all too soon, connor was moving away. his eyes were downcast and his mood seemed to dampen. "sorry," he muttered, turning away. jared grabbed the hand that had just left his jaw and pressed a kiss to his knuckles. connor looked back at him, delighted and confused. "please. do that again," jared whispered, not meeting connor's eyes. connor smiled and held jared's hand as he leaned in, kissing him again. and this time, jared could move. he kissed back, grinning a bit into the kiss. jared never wanted to move, but again, connor was moving away. jared slightly followed him, capturing his lips for a little longer before connor moved out of his reach. and then jared remembered he had to breathe. he sucked in a huge breath, a smile on his face. he looked at connor and tried to study every single feature; like he was trying to memorize connor in case he would leave.

"do you like french toast?" connor asked. jared nodded and a low whine left his throat as connor moved away. "i'm making you food because you've barely eaten in the past week," connor said lightly, not missing how jared's eyes lit up. jared slid off the counter before wrapping his arms around connor's waist, pressing his face to connor's back. "you don't have to," he mumbled into connor's back. "i know, but i want to," connor told him, turning around and pressing a kiss to jared's forehead, not missing the little shiver that went through jared when he did.

"here," connor said, placing a plate of french toast in front of jared. jared looked up to connor expectantly, and connor laughed a bit before leaning down. jared kissed him before turning to his plate. connor sat down next to him with his own plate of french toast. "thank you con," jared mumbled around his syrup-drizzled food. connor just smiled at jared before stabbing his toast with his fork, sighing. "i guess now's a good a time as ever to tell you," he said. jared continued to chew his food, but immediately turned his attention soley to connor.

"when i was in the eighth grade, i had a friend. tyler lopez. he and i were best friends. we did everything together. it was the start of a good year. my family and i were getting along and for the first time, i had a best friend. someone i could tell anything to. but time passed, and i eventually realized i had a crush on tyler. it sucked for a little bit, but i learned to ignore it. i told zoe, and she was the only one who knew. i came to school the next monday, and tyler wasn't talking to me. no, more like i wasn't there. he completely ignored me. when i confronted him about it, he called me a-a lot of nasty things. i was heartbroken. i had just lost my only close friend. i came home from school miserable. and there she was. zoe was standing living room, arms crossed, looking as smug as can be. i was told to sit down, so i did. turns out, zoe had told my parents everything.

"that was the end of eighth grade. i felt more and more awful throughout the summer, and eventually, i tried."

jared gasped. connor's eyes flickered up to him before lowering again.

"april 14th. that was the day. turns out, i didn't cut deep enough." he heard a small choke from jared. jared was trying to force back tears.

"freshman year started. i got addicted to pot, and i started cutting. i started to argue more and more with my family, and i was just in a really bad place. i realized i was depressed, and tried to talk my parents into therapy, but to no avail. my dad told me i was doing to for attention, zoe agreed, and my mom...my mom tried, but she always backed down. in the end, it was always me versus larry."

jared couldn't stop the tears. they slowly rolled down his cheeks as he listened.

"it got progressively worse. junior year, i tried again. the rope wasn't strong enough. then came senior year. i had finally had enough. and guess who came back to ruin it again? zoe. she forced me to throw up half the pills i had taken. they flushed my stomach and forced me into rehab. it didn't last long. larry was tired of paying for it, but i was tired of being a waste of space. guess we don't always get our ways." connor chuckled drily, still not looked at jared. he took a deep breath before finishing.

"then senior year ended. i left, came here. i went to the local psychiatrist, and now i'm in therapy. i'm getting better," connor said, his voice slightly breaking at the end. jared pushed his plate aside and threw himself at connor, wrapping him in a hug from across the table.

"oh connor," jared choked out. connor hugged him back before disentangling himself. he picked jared up and brough him to the couch. jared snuggled up against connor, still crying. "connor-" connor shushed him. "no. let me say this," jared insisted, taking a shaky breath. "i'm so glad you didn't succeed. even if i didn't know you back then-" jared let out a choked sob. "it would have hurt to see my beautiful tattoo fade and know that i wasn't there to help." jared had started to cry again, holding on to connor like he would disappear under him. connor felt his eyes well up with tears from jared's words. "jare...i'll never leave you. not ever," connor mumbled, starting to cry too. jared looked up and kissed connor, his eyes screwed shut. he kissed connor like it would be the last time. he kissed connor like connor wouldn't be there when they woke up. and connor did the same. jared fell asleep first, his head on connor's chest. "je t'aime," connor whispered before falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so fucking tired ahaha
> 
> also i tend to write angst better so please tell me i did good writing fluff? and sorry for the long chapter i had a lot to fit it


	8. french and german

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> evan is a confused, sad boy. jared is a flirty boy. connor thinks he just might be close to falling in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I JUST STRETCHED MY LEGS OUT AND ACCIDENTALLY KICKED MY DOG IN THE FACE BUT HE'S FINE BUT I'M STILL SO UPSET AT MYSELF

jared woke up to the soft murmurs of connor. he didn't open his eyes though. he continued to breathe deeply as if he was still asleep as he listened to connor. they weren't in english. connor was speaking french. jared had always loved the sound of french. it was so smooth and everything flowed together like a small creek in a forest.

"tu es si belle. je suis tellement chanceux de t'avoir trouvé," connor whispered into jared's hair. jared fought the urge to shiver as listened to connor. "je suis si heureux que tu sois mon âme soeur. tu es tellement incroyable, chérie." eventually, jared got the nerve to respond.

"willst du mich auf französisch schmeicheln?" jared muttered. he felt connor's breath hitch when he spoke. "what did you say?" connor asked. jared hummed. "i heard the last two phrases you said. because you said them first, you tell me what you said, and i'll tell you what i said," jared negotiated. connor was too curious, so he agreed. "alright. what'd you say?" jared asked.

"you are so beautiful. i am so lucky to have found you." a pause. "i am so happy that you are my soulmate. you are so amazing, darling." jared listened to connor's heartbeat before speaking. "oh?" he chuckled. he slowly pushed his thigh into connor's groin, listening to the taller boy gasp for breath. "magst du deutsch, baby?" jared asked, smiling when that ripped a gutteral moan out of connor. "jared.." he whined. "oh liebe. du bist so gut zu mir. so gehorsam," jared whispered huskily, taking a fistful of connor's hair and lightly tugging on it. connor groaned. "m-more, jared, please," connor gasped, rocking his hips. jared gave his hair one last sharp tug before he stood up, picking himself off of connor. he raised his eyebrows and smirked when connor whined. "besser kümmere dich darum, liebling," jared said, gesturing to connor's problem. connor groaned before sitting up.

"will you at least tell me what you said?" connor asked. jared turned and smirked at him. "you like german, baby?" a pause. "oh love. you're so good to me. so obedient." a deep breath. it seemed that jared was nervous saying this when connor could understand it. "better take care of it, sweetheart." he looked away from connor, his cheeks bright red, his dominant side gone.

connor got up and wrapped his arms around jared, kissing him on the forehead before striding to the bathroom. jared giggled to himself as he got out a pan and some eggs. a few minutes later, jared heard the door open. "well, that didn't take you very long," jared teased. "s-shut up," connor mumbled, looking to the side. jared stopped whisking the eggs and hugged connor. "hey, it's okay. it doesn't matter anyway," jared said. "it's embarrassing!" connor protested, blushing furiously. "it's cute," jared said, squeezing connor one last time before turning back to the eggs. "i hope you like omlettes," jared said. a few seconds later, and he felt connor's arms wrap around his waist. "we're such a touchy couple," connor chuckled. "couple?" jared asked, his hand stuttering a bit. "i-i mean," connor sighed. "jared kleinman, do you want to be my boyfriend?" connor asked, not meeting jared's eyes. jared turned connor's head towards him and gave him a small kiss. "of course. now, get some plates out. i'm about to cook your eggs."

"what do you want to do today?" connor asked, rubbing his thumb across jared's knuckles. jared shrugged and took another bite of his egg. "you wanna know something?" connor asked. jared looked up at him, waiting. "when i first shook your hand, i had the strange urge to do this," he said, rubbing his thumb across jared's knuckles again. jared scoffed, but he smiled. "you sap," he mumbled. connor grinned. there was silence for a moment before jared spoke. "so...hair pulling?" connor groaned. "ugh, shut up, kleinman." connor smiled when jared's bell-like laughter rang throughout the room.

the two walked into the studio, stopping to talk to michael. "michael! how are you?" jared asked, grinning. "i'm doing good, man! i'm glad to see that you're back. my mom was worried," michael responded, smiling back. "how is she?" connor asked. "oh, she'll be fine. ina just has a cold," michael said. connor nodded. "well, let us know if we can do anything!" jared offered, pulling away. michael just smiled softly before putting his headphones back on.

"jared, want to dance?" connor asked. jared's eyes snapped up to connor's. "i-i can't dance," he mumbled. connor shrugged. "that's okay. i can teach you if you want," he offered. there was a pause. "yeah. sure. i'd like that."

evan walked in, waving to michael before heading towards his room. on his way, he heard peals of laughter coming from...the dance room? the door was cracked, so evan decided to take a peek. he saw connor twirl jared, then dip him, smiling when jared laughed again. connor pulled him up and pulled him to his chest, leaning his forehead against jared's. evan watched as they stood there for a few seconds, foreheads pressed together, eyes closed, both enjoying the presence of the other. evan looked away from them and continued on his way to his room. he couldn't help but wonder what was going on. yesterday, jared had shrunk away from touch. today, he was leaning into it. maybe he just didn't like evan. then it all clicked. why they left, why they hadn't tried to reach out, why jared shied away from his touch. neither of them liked him. he thought he had made real friends. turns out they had just been faking it, just like the others. he felt tears fill his eyes as he turned on his heel and ran out of the studio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Announcement: I've fully started to work on a new story with an amazing author, PSILoveYou. If you have not read their stories, please do. We're doing Dear Evan Hansen, TreeBros. More info about it later!
> 
> also because i love french so much (my friend literally insisted i had a french kink and i was just like yeah probly) i projected my love for the language onto jared


	9. dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> evan angst. jared is upset. connor is a protective boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am literally unable to get it the writing mood for some reason so this took all day to write

evan didn't know why he ran. he should've expected this. no one would ever actually want to be his friend, why did he think this time it would be different? he ended up running to the lake. he sat down in the grass, tears bubbling up over his cheeks as he dragged the end of a stick in the water.

"hey," someone said as they sat down next to him. he hurriedly wiped the tears from his cheeks. if they noticed, they didn't say anything. "i'm jeremy. you?" they asked. "e-evan," he mumbled. "so, evan. what brings you here on this fine day?" jeremy asked, gesturing towards the sky. evan chuckled as he glanced up. he could see the storm clouds blowing in. "just..not having a great day, i guess," he said. "you?" jeremy laughed. it was a dry sound, sarcastic as hell. "i am here because i have been angered," he said, grabbing at the grass and forcefully ripping it out of the ground. evan was about to protest, but instead, the words that came out were: "want to talk about it?" jeremy looked up, his eyes wide. evan couldn't help but notice how blue they were. it was like looking up into the sky on a perfect day. jeremy sighed. he'd probably never see this boy again, so why not?

"my dad met someone. nice lady, but...she's homophobic, i guess. my dad asked if i had met anyone, and she immediately jumped in. asking me if i had seen any cute girls, or whatever. i told her no and told my dad i had seen this one really cute guy walking on the street though," jeremy said. "i haven't been able to get him out of my mind. anyway, my dad is supportive, so he asked me to tell him what he looked like, but she jumped in yelling about how gays were the spawn of the devil and all of this other bullshit, and even though i'm bi, apparently i'm still going to hell, and-"

jeremy had started to cry. evan laid a hand on his back to comfort him, and it worked. jeremy had started to breathe again, his tears stopping. he glanced at evan and grinned. "thanks," he said. evan nodded. "i'm bi too. my mom is supportive as well, but i'm afraid that everyone else would tell me i'm going to hell, so i haven't told anyone else. except you." a pause. 

"i had met these two guys. i might like them, i don't know. but something happened and i had to be taken to the hospital. i passed out, they weren't there when i woke up. i had finally made friends, i thought. i went to check on one of them, and he acted like he really didn't want me there. i saw him and the other "friend" the next day, today, and they were smiling and happy, completely ignoring me," evan said, chuckling. just then, evan had an idea. he needed to get the conversation off of him.

"so, what did this guy look like?" he asked. jeremy sighed again, his eyes unfocusing. "he was gorgeous. he had his headphones on, and he was bobbing his head along to the music. he was wearing a red hoodie, with-" his eyes narrowed a bit as he was trying to remember. "a gay pride patch on it. he saw me looking and smiled before winking at me and leaving. his hair was dark, and his eyes, they...sparkled, almost. he was beautiful," jeremy said, smiling dreamily. evan grinned as he pulled out his phone and shot someone a text. "jeremy. come with me," evan said, standing up offering a hand to jeremy. jeremy smiled before taking it.

michael looked around. why did evan want to meet him outside of a 7/11? he trusted jared and connor not to set fire to the place, but what if someone came in? he had set the "back in an hour" sign out, right? just then, he saw evan walking with someone. evan sprinted over to michael, almost dragging other boy behind him. as soon as he caught sight of michael, the other boy yanked evan back and started to frantically whispering to him. michael couldn't help but feel slightly hurt. it was only a matter of time until he met a homophobe anyway. evan whispered something back before yanking to the boy to michael. michael almost flinched away when they were in front of him.

"h-hey. i-uh. i like your p-patch," the boy said, pointing to michael's pride patch. "thanks," he mumbled. "i-i'm bi, s-so it's nice to see someone o-out, you know?" the boy explained. michael immediately softened. "yeah, it's cool. i'm michael," he said, sticking his hand out for a handshake. the boy hesitantly took his hands before he spoke. "j-je-jeremy," he mumbled. michael laughed, and jeremy flushed. "i won't bite," he chuckled. without the two of them realizing, evan had slipped away. he figured he wasn't needed anymore. jeremy would probably text him later.

a few hours later, his phone dinged. it was an unknown number. "hey, it's connor murphy. i wanted to know if you'd like to meet me and jared for dinner?" it read. evan felt his heart sink, but before he could make up an excuse, his fingers had already sent a reply saying, "yeah, sure. when and where?" his stomach felt like it was in a thousand knots of dread. "tonight at six thirty at the cafe across from the theatre." connor had said. great. at least evan had...an hour and a half to mentally prepare himself.

they had gotten there at six to talk. "are we going to tell him?" jared asked anxiously. connor rubbed his back a bit to calm him down before responding. "we'll steer the conversation that way, them show him out tattoos," connor said for the fourth time. "but what if he runs, just like i did?" jared asked, looking up at connor with guilt shining in his eyes. "then we'll wait for him to calm down, just like you did," connor said reassuringly.

jared perked up. "evan! over here!" he called. evan hesitantly walked over to them and took the seat across from them. "so, how's your week been?" connor asked, taking a hold of jared's hand. jared smiled a bit before turning his attention to the boy in front of him. "good, i guess," evan had mumbled. there was a moment of silence before jared said the first thing that came to mind.

"pancakes or waffles?" connor looked at him like he was crazy, but evan laughed a bit. "a-are you asking me what i want or what i prefer?" he asked. jared blushed, gripping connor's hand. "which you prefer." evan seemed to think about it, but connor responded first. "waffles," he decided. jared stuck his tongue out at connor even though he agreed. "pancakes," evan said eventually. "what? why?" connor asked, grinning. "because! in a waffle, i always get one fourth that's too dry, one that's soggy with butter, one that's soggy with syrup, and one that's soggy with both!" he insisted. jared had covered his mouth to stop himself from laughing, but connor made no move to hide his. "how the hell do you prepare a waffle that bad?" he chuckled. evan crossed his arms. "plus, the butter spreads more evenly on a pancake," he said. jared shrugged. "i can get behind that," he said nonchalantly. connor looked like he'd been betrayed. "but the waffle has perfect little compartments for holding butter!" he complained. jared leaned up and kissed him in the cheek, giggling. connor grinned. "stop, you sap," he said, making no move to stop jared.

they looked at evan. "are you two together?" he asked. jared blushed furiously and stared at the table while connor answered with a "yes". "i'm happy for you two; congratulations," evan said through his chagrin. the three looked down at their menus to avoid awkward conversation.

evan glanced up to see connor poke jared in the side. connor smiled when jared squeaked before leaning in and whispering something in his ear. jared immediately blushed a bright red before he leaned in and captured connor's lips with his. evan didn't notice how both boys had placed their arms on the table to where if anyone looked, they could clearly see their tattoos. evan only saw how happy they were without him. god, he was so jealous. he wanted jared to lean across the table and kiss him like that, he wanted connor to whisper sweet nothings to him. he mumbled out a quick apology through tears before he got up and walked out of the cafe. he couldn't handle all of the love and happiness oozing from them.

"evan? evan, wait!" jared called, standing up to get evan. but by that time, evan was already out of the door. jared sat back down in defeat and turned his face into connor's shoulder. connor wrapped his arms around jared as jared started to cry. "we ruined it, didn't we?" jared asked, his voice thick with tears. connor didn't respond. instead, he held jared tighter as he stared at the door where evan had walked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the argument between pancakes and waffles (mostly beteeen evan and connor) was actually an argument i had with my friend where she represents evan and i represent connor.
> 
> esquee


	10. who are they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm literally just projecting how i feel onto jared. aka i'm sick
> 
> sorry this was so short but i've got family coming over

jared groaned. "connor," he said, his voice scratchy and wobbly. "yeah?" connor asked, leaning over to jared. "can you get me another blanket?" jared requested, shaking under the covers. "hon, you've got three on you. are you feel okay?" connor asked, pressing the back his hand to jared's forehead. connor furrowed his eyebrows a bit, but chuckled when jared sleepily grinned at him and blew on his hand. "uh...my throat hurts and so does my head," jared mumbled, closing his eyes. connor nodded and got up to put another blanket on jared. 

jared was almost asleep when connor came back with a blanket and medicine. "here you go, amour," connor said, moving to walk out again. "no! connor, lay with me," jared protested, his eyes wide. connor chuckled before crawling on top of the blankets to lay with jared. "connor?" jared sleepily asked. connor made a noise in the back of his throat signaling that he heard jared. "do you love me?" jared asked. connor bit his lip in surprise. after i moment of silence, connor responded. "i think i do?" he mumbled. jared softly giggled. "i think i love you too," he said before closing his eyes and falling asleep. connor pressed his lips to jared's forehead and smiled.

jeremy sighed and rubbed his temples. "so, let's go over this one more time. they invited you to dinner. you happen to like both of them. a lot. you saw they are a couple and you ran?" jeremy asked, looked at evan. his eyed were bloodshot and his cheeks were tearstained. he nodded miserably. "i-it just hu-hurt so m-much to see th-them," evan mumbled. he could feel the tears blurring his vision. jeremy wrapped his arms around evan. "hey, it's okay," he whispered comfortingly. evan felt a few tears slip past his tightly shut eyes, and he buried his face in jeremy's shoulder. 

eventually, they both pulled away. "why don't you talk to them? i'm sure they're worried about you," jeremy suggested. evan's eyes widened before flickering down to jeremy's tattoo. headphones. he looked at his own. ballet shoes and a typewriter. he remembered that connor danced, but...who was the typewriter? 

he slowly nodded and picked up the phone before calling connor. connor picked up on the third ring. "evan?" before connor could say anything else, evan spoke. 

"ballet shoes and a typerwriter. who are they?" he heard connor gasp. there was a moment of silence. connor hung up. evan looked at jeremy, who was glaring at the phone. just then, evan recieved a text from connor. it was an address. "shall we?" evan asked jeremy, who pulled evan to his feet. 

"let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my mind: your head is pounding.  
> me: *slowly plugs in headphones*  
> my mind: that's going to cause more pain don't do that.  
> me: *slowly puts headphones on*  
> my mind: nononon-  
> me: *clicks play*  
> *sincerely, me comes on*  
> me: well at i'll die happy


	11. oh my god...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> evan finally understands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have really honestly lost all inspiration to write or draw or kinda do anything so chapters 12 and 13 are gonna take a while

evan and jeremy stood in front of the apartment building. evan turned to jeremy. "do i look like i've crying for the past day?" he asked, cracking a small smile. jeremy smirked back. "no, only the past three hours. come on," he said, tugging evan inside. they eventually got up to jared's apartment. evan took a deep breath before knocking on the door. he _had_ to keep it together.

the door flung open, revealing connor. connor stared at the two of them. "who is...who is he?" connor asked. "my best friend. he's heard about everything, so..if you're gonna talk, then i'm going to need emotional support. so he came," evan asked. connor hesitated before shrugging and letting them in. jeremy and evan walked over to the couch, sitting down with their thighs touching.

"i'll be right back," connor said. he padded to jared's room and gently shook his boyfriend awake. "jared. jared, mon chéri, wake up. evan is here," he whispered. jared opened his eyes and sat up. "how are you feeling, chéri?" connor asked. jared groaned. "my head hurts," he mumbled, leaning into connor's chest. connor chuckled before he spoke. "evan's here," he said. jared's eyes widened. "he asked me about his tattoos, so i sent him this address. he's sitting on the couch with a friend," connor explained. jared furrowed his eyebrows. "why is his friend heere?" jared asked, confused. "he said that if i'm going to talk, he's going to need emotional support," connor said. jared slid out of bed, wrapping a blanket around himself. they both left and entered the living room, where evan and jeremy sat waiting.

"hi, i'm jared. this is connor," jared said, introducing himself and his boyfriend. "i know. i'm jeremy," he said simply. connor and jared squished themselves onto a chair, jared in connor's lap. jeremy look at evan and whispered something before turning back to them.

"why weren't you there when i woke up in the hospital?" evan asked. question number one. neither of them spoke; jared handed evan the sketchbook. "on the third page, i think," jared said. evan flipped to the third page before gasping. he looked up to the two. jared was fidgeting, playing with the ends of his blanket. connor was fighting down a mad blush.

"why didn't you tell me?" evan asked, his voice breaking at the end. jeremy rubbed his back, and he took a deep breath. "we didn't know how," jared mumbled. "i had seen your tattoo, and we both have ballet shoes. i ended up sketching your tattoos when connor told me he had a typewriter as well. i drew my own tattoos and he drew his. we realized the three of us were soulmates, but i ran. i got nervous and i ran. when i came back, connor was gone," jared explained.

"i had assumed he didn't want to be soulmates with me. so i got upset and left. i didn't realize he had left as well, leaving you to wake up alone. he hadn't come to the studio for a week, which is strange. i had plans with michael, and jared happens to have a red hoodie as well. i tapped on jared's shoulder thinking it was michael. it was jared, and he was..pretty surprised to see me, i think. we ended up going back to...here, and i told him my backstory. and since that day, we've been together and debating on how and when to tell you," connor told evan.

evan was sitting on the couch, dumbfounded. he slowly turned his head to jeremy, who had taken evan's hand and was rubbing his knuckles to calm him down.

connor sighed. "evan, what we're trying to say, is that we're sorry. we shouldn't have left. we..." connor seemed unable to muster up anymore words. his mouth had gone dry.

"we think we like you. a lot. your smile, how your nose scrunches up when you smile, among other things. but..we've done nothing to help you, we've only made you upset. so, if you don't want to try, then...we understand," jared said, looking down and sucking in a huge breath. 

evan launched himself at the two of them, tears slipping down his cheeks. "yes! yes, oh my god, i would love to! holy shit, i like you both so damn much," evan cried. jared let out a loud laugh before turning into evan and connor. they were all smiling and crying, the happiness overwhelming them. they didn't hear the quick snap of jeremy's phone camera as he sent a picture of the scene to michael.

they were finally happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so to clarify, chapter 12 is going to be my very last chapter for this story, and chapter 13 is going to be the poem that (distantly) inspired this story


	12. ends of the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a month later....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> protective *clap* jeremy!

jeremy hummed when michael's arms came and wrapped around his waist. he giggled when michael's lips met his neck, kissing up to his jaw. "micha, i'm trying to make breakfast," jeremy whined. michael hummed. "i know, and that's why i'm being distracting," he chuckled. jeremy turned around so he was facing michael. "fine, maybe i won't make you pancakes," jeremy teased. "aww, babe, no," michael said, pouting. jeremy chuckled and turned around to continue making pancakes.

the two were eating when there was a knock at the door. michael got up to answer, despite jeremy's protests that he was barely clothed. he opened the door to find a disraught connor. "woah, dude, you look like hot shit. come in," michael said, opening the door wider. connor stumbled in and sat down in a chair at the table, his head falling down into his hands. jeremy came out of their bedroom, having put sweatpants on.

"connor! hey, wha--are you okay?" jeremy asked, concerned. connor shook his head. michael and jeremy sat across from him. "what happened?" michael hesitantly asked connor.

"i don't quite know. it's all blurry. i must have said something to jared because he got upset ran off into our bedroom, a-and then evan started yelling at me and saying i should have been thinking, and i tried to apologize but then i either left or was forced out," connor said, his voice dropping to a mumble at the end.

michael looked to jeremy. while michael and connor had become close friends, jeremy had become close friends with evan and jared. jeremy sighed and leaned forwards a bit, placing his elbows on the table.

"connor, did you say anything about his outward appearance?" jeremy asked calmly. michael placed a hand on his thigh, trying to calm him down. jeremy always bounced his knee was he was mad or irritated. connor furrowed his eyebrows and nodded slowly. "i think i said he was squishy and good at cuddling?" connor said. it sounded more like a question. jeremy sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "i'm going to assume you know how jared thinks. why would you say that?" jeremy asked, barely concealing anger. 

"i-i don't know! i had just woken up a-and i know that's not an e-excuse but i don't have any other reason o-other than i wasn't th-thinking!" connor said, stumbling over his words as he got more and more upset. michael reached across the table and squeezed connor's hand to calm him down. 

"connor, you need to apologize. jared's probably disappeared into his mental space, and evan's probably desperately trying to keep him comfortable. if you knock, that will probably jolt jared out of his headspace, in which you'll be able to apologize," jeremy said. connor nodded and stood. "thank you," he said softly before leaving. jeremy leaned his head onto michael's shoulder. "those boys," he sighed.

connor stood anxiously at the door. he stood with one hand an inch away from the door and the other holding a bouquet of white lilies, jared's favourite flowers. he took a deep breath and knocked on the door. 

jared's head snapped up towards the door. evan turned to look at jared, and jared nodded. evan kissed him on the forehead before going over and opening the door. connor was standing there, a bouquet in one hand and his eyes wide. "h-um-hi. i want t-to--uh--ap-apologize?" he said. evan stared up at him before turning back around to jared. jared had fixed his stare on the floor, his fingers nervously picking at the end of the blanket. evan nodded and let connor in.

connor sat beside jared. "i b-brought you t-these. i, um, i know they're your fa-favourites," connor said. jared didn't respond or give any indication that he heard connor. he just simply stared at the ground. connor sighed. "i'm sorry. there's so excuse for what i said, and i know it's not much, but all i can do is promise you that i will try immensely harder," connor said simply, staring at the flowers in his hands.

"it's okay," jared whispered. connor's slowly looked at him. jared was staring at his hands now, but he was talking. "i mean, shouldn't be so self-conscious. i know. but...i-it's okay," jared said a bit louder. connor nodded a bit, and then jared got the courage to look at him. before he could stop himself, connor had started talking. "i love you, ma chérie chinchilla," connor blurted out. jared's eyes crinkled at the corners. "i love you too, mein süßes kätzchen," jared said.

"aww, you two are so cute! you guys are my world," evan cooed. connor laughed. "you two are the loves of my life," he said, blushing a light red. jared was silent for a minute before he spoke. "schau, ich weiß, es ist dumm, aber ich weiß nicht, was ich ohne euch beide machen würde. Ich liebe dich zwei mehr als alles andere und ich würde für euch an die enden der welt gehen." connor and evan stared at him, waiting for an explanation. jared's face went a deep red.

"look, i know, it's stupid, but i don't know what i would do without you both. i love you two more than anything else and i would go to the ends of the world for you," jared muttered. connor's arms flew around jared as he hugged jared, and evan came around and hugged them both. connor had tears slowly sliding down his cheeks. "i love you so much," he murmured to jared and evan. they gigglied and hugged each other back, happiness oozing from them all.

and all was well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter! thank you so much for supporting me!! i'm thinking about starting a new story after i finish this; updates on that in Sweet Tea!


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